The separation of a couple rarely puts an end to the emotions. Anger, disappointment, a sense of injustice or a need for recognition can persist long after the break-up. In some cases, those emotions spill out of the private sphere and turn up in conversations with relatives, colleagues, clients or acquaintances.
The other parent is then presented in an exclusively negative light.
While this attitude may bring temporary relief to the person adopting it, it often has far greater consequences than it appears.
An image built without any counterpoint
When a parent regularly tells a highly unfavourable version of their former partner's story, the people around them usually have access to only one account. Over time, that version can become "the truth" for those who hear it.
The problem is not that each parent expresses their own experience. After a difficult separation, talking and looking for support is entirely legitimate.
The situation becomes more problematic when facts are distorted, exaggerated or systematically presented as an indictment. The other parent is gradually reduced to their mistakes, their flaws or the grievances tied to the separation.
This dynamic feeds tension rather than easing it.
When the conflict reaches the professional circle
It also happens that such talk goes beyond the family setting and reaches the workplace.
Colleagues, business partners, clients or mutual acquaintances may be exposed to a very negative image of the other parent, without having what they need to put it into perspective.
The consequences can be real:
- a weakened reputation;
- a loss of professional credibility;
- social relationships that deteriorate;
- a feeling of isolation;
- an even more conflictual climate between the parents.
The line between private and professional life deserves to be preserved, particularly when parents still have to communicate and make decisions together for their children.
The first to lose out are often the children
Even when children never directly hear what is said about the other parent, they often sense the climate surrounding the conflict.
They notice the looks, the tension, the things left unsaid and the reactions of the people around them.
When two worlds are built around completely opposing accounts, a child can gradually end up in a loyalty conflict.
Should they defend their mother? Support their father? Avoid mentioning the good times spent at the other parent's home? Adapt what they say depending on who is in front of them?
These situations can become particularly heavy for a child.
A child does not need to pick a side. They must be able to love both of their parents without guilt.
Confiding in someone is not disparaging
An important distinction has to be made: talking about your difficulties after a separation is entirely legitimate.
Seeking support from friends, relatives, a therapist or a support group can even be essential to get through a hard period.
But there is a difference between expressing your pain and seeking to lastingly discredit the other parent.
One indicator can help: what is the purpose of the conversation?
Is it to look for support, to understand a situation or to find a solution? Or is it mainly to convince the person listening that the other parent is a bad person?
When every conversation revolves around a former partner's flaws, the conflict keeps taking up all the space. And sometimes, without realising it, the person doing the disparaging remains deeply trapped in the separation themselves.
When words cross certain lines
In some situations, the accusations made can go beyond a simple personal conflict.
In Switzerland, offences against personal honour are governed by criminal law. Depending on the nature of the statements, their truthfulness and the circumstances in which they are communicated to third parties, some statements may have legal consequences.
Every situation is different, however, and has to be assessed individually.
Beyond the legal aspect, starting proceedings rarely helps to improve the co-parenting relationship straight away. Where it is still possible, re-establishing clear boundaries and structured communication can help avoid a further escalation of the conflict.
Building rather than destroying
Co-parenting does not ask parents to become friends.
Nor does it ask them to forget their wounds or deny the difficulties they have been through.
It simply asks them to preserve a space in which each of them can play their parental role with a minimum of respect.
Speaking about the other parent with restraint does not mean agreeing with them. It means recognising that, beyond the conflict between adults, a child builds part of their identity through both of their parents.
At coparent.ch, we believe it is possible to gradually step out of these spirals of conflict. More structured communication, clear boundaries and a suitable space for listening can all help reduce tension.
Because in the end, protecting the other parent's image is not necessarily doing them a favour. Above all, it is protecting your child.